+Official Business: LOLs Will Tear Us Apart

WEAR HEADPHONES! WEAR HEADPHONES! WEAR HEADPHONES! WEAR HEADPHONES! WEAR HEADPHONES!

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The Duke of Edinburgh's birthday is fast approaching. Photograph: Samir Hussein/WireImage

Age: 89 years and 361 days.

Appearance: Bloodthirsty old rogue.

What's he done now? Nothing terrible.He'll be 90 on Friday.

By Jove! I know. It seems like another age that he was evacuated from revolutionary Greece as a baby – reputedly in a fruit box. He's already Britain's longest-serving consort, you know.

I didn't. So what's he got lined up to celebrate? A fox roast? A gollywog parade? Nope.

I know: he's going to spend the weekend shooting one of every indigenous mammal in the British isles, including human. Nope.

I give up. What is His Royal Sidekick doing on the big day?Just normal royal stuff. He's got a reception to mark the centenary of the Royal National Institute for Deaf People in the afternoon, then he'll chair the Senior Colonels' Conference in the evening.

Sounds like a blast. Oh, and he's going to church with his family two days later, with a reception to follow. He's already done his two television interviews.

I suppose being continuously irascible for nine decades does take it out of you a bit. It certainly does.

Does he still call everything "ghastly"? Not everything. Just Beijing, Stoke-on-Trent, post-traumatic stress disorder, Elton John's car, flying economy class, and the disease he might catch if he stroked a koala.

All fair points. But please, let's not poke fun at him using nothing but an old stereotype. You're right. The Duke would not approve of that.

Do say: "Happy birthday, your royal highness."

Don't say: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?" (To a Scottish driving instructor, 1995.)

Don't say: "You are a woman, aren't you?" (To a woman in Kenya bearing a gift, 1984.)

Don't say: "Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?" (To a woman with a guide dog, 2002.)

Don't say: "So who's on drugs here? . . . He looks as if he's on drugs." (At a Bangladeshi youth club, 2002.)

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R.I.P.