猫にまたたび、御女郎に小判 Wer jetzt noch lacht, hat die neuesten Nachrichten noch nicht gehört. "THE OFFICIAL E.R.A. LITTER-BOX"

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


"I never clearly knew why I visited the old cemetery that night. Perhaps it was to see how the work of removing the bodies was getting on, for they were all being taken up and carted away to a more comfortable place where land was less valuable. It was well enough; nobody had buried himself there for years, and the skeletons that were now exposed were old mouldy affairs for which it was difficult to feel any respect. However, I put a few bones in my pocket as souvenirs. The night was one of those black, gusty ones in March, with great inky clouds driving rapidly across the sky, spilling down sudden showers of rain which as suddenly would cease. I could barely see my way between the empty graves, and in blundering about among the coffins I tripped and fell headlong. A peculiar laugh at my side caused me to turn my head, and I saw a singular old gentleman whom I had often noticed hanging about the Coroner's office, sitting cross-legged upon a prostrate tombstone.

"How are you, sir?" said I, rising awkwardly to my feet; "nice night."

"Get off my tail," answered the elderly party, without moving a muscle.

"My eccentric friend," rejoined I, mockingly, "may I be permitted to inquire your street and number?"

"Certainly," he replied, "No. 1, Marle Place, Asphalt Avenue,

"The devil!" sneered I.

"Exactly," said he; "oblige me by getting off my tail."

I was a little staggered, and by way of rallying my somewhat dazed faculties, offered a cigar: "Smoke?"

"Thank you," said the singular old gentleman, putting it under his coat; "after dinner. Drink?"

I was not exactly prepared for this, but did not know if it would be safe to decline, and so putting the proffered flask to my lips pretended to swig elaborately, keeping my mouth tightly closed the while. "Good article," said I, returning it. He simply remarked, "You're a fool," and emptied the bottle at a gulp.

"And now," resumed he, "you will confer a favour I shall highly appreciate by removing your feet from my tail."

There was a slight shock of earthquake, and all the skeletons in sight arose to their feet, stretched themselves and yawned audibly. Without moving from his seat, the old gentleman rapped the nearest one across the skull with his gold-headed cane, and they all curled away to sleep again.

"Sire," I resumed, "indulge me in the impertinence of inquiring your business here at this hour."

"My business is none of yours," retorted he, calmly; "what are you up to yourself?"

"I have been picking up some bones," I replied, carelessly.

"Then you are—"

I am—"

"A Ghoul!"

"My good friend, you do me injustice. You have doubtless read very frequently in the newspapers of the Fiend in Human Shape whose actions and way of life are so generally denounced. Sire, you see before you that maligned party!"

There was a quick jerk under the soles of my feet, which pitched me prone upon the ground. Scrambling up, I saw the old gentleman vanishing behind an adjacent sandhill as if the devil were after him. The Mistake of a Life."

(a. bierce)


Saturday, June 25, 2011


Hanna: I mean, is it really that different when it's a skinny white woman in a bathing suit singing these things? None of these women ever wear pants, first of all. Second of all, just because you're wearing a goofy hat doesn't make it performance art. I mean, that's just my feeling about it. A lot of the music just sounds like bad Euro disco, though that first Ke$ha song "TiK ToK" was good. But (Katy Perry's) "I Kissed a Girl" was just straight-up offensive. The whole thing is like, I kissed a girl so my boyfriend could masturbate about it later. It's disgusting. It's exactly every male fantasy of fake lesbian porn. It's pathetic. And she's not a good singer. I don't want to trash other women. I mean, I think Jason Mraz is horrible. It's not just like I hate other women performers. Jason Mraz, and the new James Blunt song is the worst thing that has ever been created on the face of the Earth.


Friday, June 24, 2011


"We have also, as you must think, novices and apprentices, that the succession of the former employed men do not fail; besides, a great number of servants and attendants, men and women.  And this we do also: we have consultations, which of the inventions and experiences which we have discovered shall be published, and which not: and take all an oath of secrecy, for the concealing of those which we think fit to keep secret: though some of those we do reveal sometimes to the state and some not.
"For our ordinances and rites: we have two very long and fair galleries: in one of these we place patterns and samples of all manner of the more rare and excellent inventions in the other we place the statues of all principal inventors.  There we have the statue of your Columbus, that discovered the West Indies: also the inventor of ships: your monk that was the inventor of ordnance and of gunpowder: the inventor of music: the inventor of letters: the inventor of printing: the inventor of observations of astronomy: the inventor of works in metal: the inventor of glass: the inventor of silk of the worm: the inventor of wine: the inventor of corn and bread: the inventor of sugars: and all these, by more certain tradition than you have.  Then have we divers inventors of our own, of excellent works; which since you have not seen, it were too long to make descriptions of them; and besides, in the right understanding of those descriptions you might easily err.  For upon every invention of value, we erect a statue to the inventor, and give him a liberal and honourable reward.  These statues are some of brass; some of marble and touch-stone; some of cedar and other special woods gilt and adorned; some of iron; some of silver; some of gold.
"We have certain hymns and services, which we say daily, of Lord and thanks to God for his marvellous works: and forms of prayers, imploring his aid and blessing for the illumination of our labours, and the turning of them into good and holy uses.
"Lastly, we have circuits or visits of divers principal cities of the kingdom; where, as it cometh to pass, we do publish such new profitable inventions as we think good.  And we do also declare natural divinations of diseases, plagues, swarms-of hurtful creatures, scarcity, tempests, earthquakes, great inundations, comets, temperature of the year, and divers other things; and we give counsel thereupon, what the people shall do for the prevention and remedy of them."
And when he had said this, he stood up; and I, as I had been taught, kneeled down, and he laid his right hand upon my head, and said; "God bless thee, my son; and God bless this relation, which I have made.  I give thee leave to publish it for the good of other nations; for we here are in God's bosom, a land unknown."  And so he left me; having assigned a value of about two thousand ducats, for a bounty to me and my fellows.  For they give great largesses where they come upon all occasions.
[The rest was not perfected.]

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Sunday, June 12, 2011

+Official Business: LOLs Will Tear Us Apart




Monday, June 6, 2011

Sunday, June 5, 2011


The Duke of Edinburgh
The Duke of Edinburgh's birthday is fast approaching. Photograph: Samir Hussein/WireImage

Age: 89 years and 361 days.

Appearance: Bloodthirsty old rogue.

What's he done now? Nothing terrible.He'll be 90 on Friday.

By Jove! I know. It seems like another age that he was evacuated from revolutionary Greece as a baby – reputedly in a fruit box. He's already Britain's longest-serving consort, you know.

I didn't. So what's he got lined up to celebrate? A fox roast? A gollywog parade? Nope.

I know: he's going to spend the weekend shooting one of every indigenous mammal in the British isles, including human. Nope.

I give up. What is His Royal Sidekick doing on the big day?Just normal royal stuff. He's got a reception to mark the centenary of the Royal National Institute for Deaf People in the afternoon, then he'll chair the Senior Colonels' Conference in the evening.

Sounds like a blast. Oh, and he's going to church with his family two days later, with a reception to follow. He's already done his two television interviews.

I suppose being continuously irascible for nine decades does take it out of you a bit. It certainly does.

Does he still call everything "ghastly"? Not everything. Just Beijing, Stoke-on-Trent, post-traumatic stress disorder, Elton John's car, flying economy class, and the disease he might catch if he stroked a koala.

All fair points. But please, let's not poke fun at him using nothing but an old stereotype. You're right. The Duke would not approve of that.

Do say: "Happy birthday, your royal highness."

Don't say: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?" (To a Scottish driving instructor, 1995.)

Don't say: "You are a woman, aren't you?" (To a woman in Kenya bearing a gift, 1984.)

Don't say: "Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?" (To a woman with a guide dog, 2002.)

Don't say: "So who's on drugs here? . . . He looks as if he's on drugs." (At a Bangladeshi youth club, 2002.)

Friday, June 3, 2011